Connecting with your partner while there are kids in the house.

Let's be real for a minute, kids are exhausting. Yes, they can be amazing, but being a parent is a thankless task at times. My son wakes up at 5:30 am every day while my daughter sleeps in until 8 am. And even though my son will be sound asleep by 7:30 pm, my daughter will be up until 9:30 pm. So the question is, when do I masturbate or have partnered sex?

 Children seem to have the magical ability to always show up exactly when you don’t want them to. My daughter once walked in whilst I was receiving cunnilingus, and I am sure she was more startled by my blood-curdling scream than the sexual act that was taking place. Whichever it was, I felt pretty traumatised, that’s for sure.

 I am sure you have all experienced it. There is silence in the house, you think you have time to make a quick phone call whilst the kids are distracted, then… Boom! They are suddenly right next to you. “Can I have a snack?” “Who are you talking to?” “Can I talk to them?” And you have no choice but to end the call to go and tend to your brood.

 It’s the same with pleasure. You think they’re asleep, you’ve kissed their angelic heads goodnight and you decide you will have an evening to yourself. Instead of collapsing on the heap of ironing that has been building on your bed for many months, you take the time to unwind with some wine and read a wonderful feminist erotica book. Eventually, you take out the most reliable thing in your life: your Doxy vibrator. But as soon as you start, you hear “mummy!” You leap from your bed, alarmed and frustrated, and the mood is completely killed.

 A friend of mine recently watched “Sex Life” on Netflix. They were quite taken aback by the moment where the husband starts the morning by taking his wife, bending her over the counter and penetrating her in the open plan kitchen next to the stairs. During this scene, all my friend was thinking was “what if the kids come down the stairs?” and “surely, they can hear them upstairs?” Yes, it is a TV drama. But this cultural script only adds pressure to relationships that are struggling due to a lack of intimacy.

 Life can sometimes just get in the way of things you want to do. I’m sure we all would like to: A) have a beautiful open plan kitchen to be bent over, and B) not be concerned about children walking in on this delicious act. But it is just not a reality for most of us. So, what is the answer? We all need pleasure goals. We all need to make self-care and self-pleasure a priority. But how do we do it with maternal stresses and all of life's other challenges?

 The answer is discreet toys and good scheduling! If you have a partner, you may believe that masturbation is not required. But it is just as important as partnered sex. Self-pleasuring regularly is proven to lead to better partnered sex and even more orgasms! What about if we started communicating with our partners and scheduling in time for self-pleasure as well as partnered pleasure? What if we encouraged our partners to take a bath and left some discrete, waterproof toys in there for them to pleasure themselves with whilst they soaked?

 The good news is, there are plenty of discrete, waterproof toys available for your bathtime needs. With these toys, you will be able to pleasure yourself or your partner and confidently leave them on display without anyone questioning what it is! First, you need to meet The Gwen, a small and quiet toy that fits snuggly into the palm of your hand. It turns off within a few seconds of pressing the button and the discrete design of the toy makes it ideal if there is a chance you will be interrupted! Then, let me introduce you to a pair of beautiful, ornamental toys that you can keep in the shower without worrying about people asking questions: The Dame Pom and The Dame Jade.